Guy Pulls Out His Whole Junk On The Kellogg’s Assembly Line

WMC Action News 5 – Memphis, Tennessee

And, sadly, he makes use of it.

His whole junk, that is. Well, the assembly line is also being made use of, we suppose…but in this case, you would probably prefer that it weren’t. That’s because, as more cautious journalistic outlets have put it, the anonymous Memphis-area man appears to be urinating on cereal products in his Kellogg’s factory production line. We’ll go one step further, however: this guy is definitely pissing in the corn flakes. If he weren’t, would the president be issuing apologies like this one?

We immediately contacted law enforcement authorities and the FDA, and a criminal investigation is underway. We are working closely with the authorities to identify the individual, fire him if he still works at the plant and prosecute him to the full extent of the law.

[…]

We have identified the food potentially involved and determined that any products that could have been potentially impacted would be very limited and past their expiration dates.

These include Rice Krispies Treats, granola clusters used in a couple of products, and a few other puffed rice treats that we no longer make.

…because the guy pissed in them!

Furthermore, the foods are only past their expiration dates if they were not already eaten, piss and all, by the people who bought them, right? We assume Kellogg ain’t in the business of putting out stuff that people don’t eat, so it stands to reason that most of this pee was probably consumed by people who wanted a tasty Rice Krispie Treat or some other such shelf-stable artificial dessert compound.

Those things may taste like cardboard, but cardboard is a heck of a lot better than piss. We think.