Rubbing Clothes With A Crystal Ball Does Not Clean Them

“I want to know how the hell they do it!” They don’t.

This sponsored video from popular YouTuber Nina Santiago ponders one of life’s eternal (seriously, this stuff has been around for decades) questions: how can throwing a “crystal ball” into my laundry clean and refresh my clothes without using detergent or soap of any kind? It can’t!

Early last year, tech blog Gizmodo covered the ongoing Kickstarter fiasco of “Crystal Wash 2.0”, an old scam dredged up by a marketing company and crowdfunded successfully to the tune of over $250,000. This time around, unwitting consumers were lured in by the promise of smartphone connectivity and an exclusive app. If the comments from Kickstarter backers are any indication, these features never materialized.

Though Nina and Myles seem enthusiastic about the Crystal Wash, they appear not to be familiar with its purported functionality, i.e. how it cleans clothes for 1000 washes. Here’s what the creators say:

Crystal Wash is a proven technology that literately [sic] lasts for at least 1000 loads of laundry.  It uses the power of Bio Ceramics from the earth, which naturally clean your clothes as effectively as laundry detergent.

These mysterious Bio Ceramics are able to raise the pH balance of the water in your washing machine, which creates a “natural” hydrogen peroxide that disinfects and cleans clothes, according to the manufacturers. The only problem is that it’s wrong. The process they’re describing would qualify as alchemy, which would make a lot of medieval people very happy if it worked. Which it doesn’t. Sure, it’s disappointing to find out that a magic crystal ball can’t clean your clothes and you’ll be buying detergent and fabric softener for the rest of your life (which the makers even suggest in the FAQ, rendering their imaginary product obsolete regardless), but at least you weren’t one of the four schmucks who paid $700 to find out.