Testicular Pain, Or Pain In The Testicles, Or, Uh…


We just watched Contact for the first time. Yeah, so it’s from 1997. Whatever. We were really busy these last 20 or so years. And we were bored. And we were drinking.

So, in the movie—if you haven’t seen it, which to be fair, we also had not—we Earthlings receive an encrypted, garbled radio frequency transmission originating from deep space. What (SPOILER ALERT) appears to be simply an audio message, in the fashion of a Morse-esque code, turns out to be a rebroadcast video signal, one that originated on Earth, in point of fact.

The point of bringing that up is that the film, which depends heavily on some rather outdated and simplified technologies—such as satellite broadcasts—actually, somehow, ages fairly well. This video, on the other hand, which also suffers from ham-handed direction and seemingly artificial levels of intelligence, does not.

Perhaps that is because, in part, that the “science and technology” of testicular pain or pain in the testicles or Ballermus Hurtimus or whatever is nondescript as it gets. Perhaps, also, it is because it is a term optimized for search engine crawlers (we can only hope!) Whatever the reason, the robotic voice does not help.

Look, you’re not going to want to watch this video unless you’re in need of a good chuckle or two. It was most likely created by a bot and exudes all of the intelligence you would predict.

Contact, on the other hand is on Netflix. Just saying.