The Guardian’s Comment Is Free section is one of the most perplexing on the Internet, interspersing whip-smart political rants by gifted writers like Jeb Lund with… other stuff. On Saturday, they published one of the weirdest things we’ve ever read, with the title “Wasps may have stung me in the testicles – but I love them anyway.”
Authored by Jules Howard, the column is a paean to those vicious little insects that sting wantonly and cause intense pain, and it opens up with a personal anecdote so intense that we have to share the whole thing.
“This endorsement does not come easy to me. Eight years ago I found myself screaming, alone and naked, in a woodland. I had inadvertently, accidentally, naively urinated on a wasps’ nest and the wasps were giving me a damn good telling off about it. I had torn my clothes off. I had to. So intense was their rage, they were stinging and biting the fabric. I had to shake them off every single item of clothing I had. There were thousands of them. Passing hikers came gingerly over, attracted by my screams and eager to help me. I had to shout back “I’m OK!” to encourage them to back away from seeing my nakedness. I wasn’t ok though. I really wasn’t. For starters, there were wasp stings all over my genitals. Honestly, all over them. Though my testicles looked satisfyingly large I was in a great deal of pain. I was for days.”
The rest of the piece is about how he has sympathy for wasps because they are desperate for food in the late summer to fuel their reproductive cycle, but let’s be honest for a second: if any animal, no matter how cute, damaged my scrotum like that I’d lose all sympathy forever. Why exactly one of England’s leading newspapers felt the need to print this deeply weird piece will always remain a mystery.Get your balls in the game! Donate to the Sean Kimerling Foundation to win the battle against testicular cancer.