Upset About Daniel Bryan’s Retirement? Grab Your Balls

If you’re a wrestling fan, Monday was probably pretty rough for you. On that night’s episode of Raw, long-shelved grappler Daniel Bryan came out in front of an adoring hometown crowd to tell them that he would never be able to practice his craft again. Multiple concussions (a serious danger for pro wrestlers) had damaged his brain to a degree that, if he continued to wrestle, could lead to devastating consequences. For his health, he needed to give up what he loved.

Bryan was a true standout in a business dominated by oily, tribal-tattooed muscleheads. A skinny, short, bearded vegan from Washington, he made himself a star through sheer force of will, connecting with audiences who were sick of the same old stuff. One of his best runs was as part of Team Hell No, pairing up with Kane to run roughshod over the tag team division. The duo had some help from an “anger management consultant,” actually improv comedian Michael Aspinwall, and upon Bryan’s retirement Aspinwall (as his alter ego Dr. Shelby) popped his head up to give fans some advice on how to deal with their feelings.

Many of Shelby’s tips are solid for any situation, but it’s his final one that earns this story a spot on the Ball Report. If missing Daniel Bryan is to hard for you to deal with, reach down and give those angry little balls of yours a squeeze. It’s guaranteed to calm you down. Now, the guy’s not a real doctor, so take his advice with a grain of salt, but putting your hands on your nuts can have useful results for your health in general, so why not? Give D-Bry a last tribute and check yourself for testicular cancer at the same time.