Why Is Testicle Pain So Unbelievably Excruciating?

We all know that getting racked in the nuts is no picnic. If all a strike to the groin did was make one’s testicles hurt, then it probably wouldn’t be such an effective defensive maneuver. Unfortunately (or fortunately, we suppose, for self-defense and screwball comedy purposes), most testicle pain is a good deal more excruciating than just that. For almost all men, anyway.

As it turns out, the copious amount of nerves in our testicles are themselves a defense mechanism. Since balls are essentially internal organs precariously dangling on the outside of our bodies, that pain response is supposed to indicate to us that an important part of the body is in trouble and needs protecting. So when we immediately flop on the ground, covering our crotches, wailing and grabbing our stomachs in agony, we’re actually being quite heroic. Kinda.

Sure, childbirth is extremely painful. In some ways, it’s much worse than taking a shot to the boys—it generally lasts a hell of a lot longer, for starters. But this is The Ball Report, not The Kid Report!

As a result, our official position on the matter is that testicle pain is the worst thing ever. The end.