Angry Andy Murray Discovers He’s Been Playing With Women’s Balls


Andy Murray probably did not imagine he’d be making headlines for arguing about women’s balls at the Miami Open this week, but time makes fools of us all.

According to Murray,

“It’s quite off-putting because I just missed two balls long. I didn’t know if that was one of the balls I used in the last couple points. The women’s balls are very different to the men’s balls. They’re much quicker, smaller, livelier.

Women’s balls are much quicker and livelier, Murray points out, taking in gulps of water big enough to drown a small dog. But he’s right: if the balls are so different, shouldn’t there be a bit more of a guarded process when it comes to getting them in play? Why does the umpire sit up there in his shitty little chair and just throw out whatever he feels like? What is happening to the integrity of the balls in the highest levels of sport today? Do we require a Watchmen-like secret society of ball experts to verify that the right balls are going to the right places? Do we need a Ball Czar to watch over us and keep us safe?

Where would we even find such a hero?